Loving somebody is a beautiful thing, but if the situation is impossible, it will not only be such a beautiful and innocent thing for you, but it will also be one of the really difficult things to adjust to and deal with over a long period of time.
I feel that I am well within my rights to write about this.
Because I am currently experiencing what I feel like is being in deep love with somebody that I cannot ever be more than friends with.
The first thing I want to say is that you are going to be ok. You aren’t going to die, you may get a little emotional and act in ways you don’t like at times during this process, but in the end hopefully you will firstly find a way to work through the situation. b
But also look back on it with a sense of happiness, because really liking somebody and having these feelings of love shouldn’t be a regret you have in life. Even if it didn’t go your way or you didn’t give it the old college try.
But here is where it gets tough for you.
You must accept this, and it is something that will take you a long time to work through.
Now this blog is not written from just a crush mindset either.
It is written from the perspective of a guy who is almost used to this feeling by now. I’ve thought about it a lot, every day for months, and I’ve had my little breakthrough moments, the first of which was actually admitting it and talking to the person about it.
It is a bit like the battle with depression in many ways, like this long road which takes you to a lot of different places and mindsets, and along the way I’ve found some real determination and motivation, and also actually a deep happiness for the feelings I have.
I remember thinking the other night when I had been consuming a few drinks, I looked at this girl and I was thinking “don’t ever make me believe in us”.
Because if I believe in something, especially love, it scares me the depths I will sink to in order to make a reality of it.
But with that said, there is another truth that is also very real.
My feelings aren’t going to change said situation, I need to stop over thinking everything, and find a way to focus on other things. The other things that are going so well I might add.
I am not going to say that you should focus on things which are more important, because your love IS important.
Let me give you a dose of harsh reality though.
You, as the person with these feelings, made a choice to have them and you are responsible for finding a way of working through them in a way that doesn’t hurt the other person. But don’t beat yourself up, because keep in mind here that usually if you fall in love and/or develop really intense feelings for someone, odds are that they are a good friend to you, and they are probably (even though they may be taken or not interested in that way) feeling quite bad about the situation which has occurred.
Friendship is often just as fruitful as a relationship as well.
Somedays I feel like I actually don’t want girls to be nice to me, the reason for this is because usually I end up falling head over heals for a girl that was just nice to me.
Just don’t give up hope.
In many ways I think that I don’t deal with rejection at all, I just try to sugar coat it and not actually accept it. My biggest flaw in this situation this time round is that I still cling to hope, but it is a double edged sword because hope has been the source of so much inspiration for me to deal with the other things in life, and hope ties in majorly with the disability as well.
I am reserved to the fact that I will always feel very strongly for the people in my life. I am aware that I fall very hard in that process and I am very aware that right now, I am vulnerable and in need of distraction.
This is a big reason why I try to keep as busy and as active as possible these days.
There is something truly weird about being busy, some people say it is a cure to dealing with difficulty, just to have something there on the go 24/7 so you don’t have to think about the painful stuff. Maybe that is why alcohol is as damaging as it is, or why teen suicide and drug use is so high, maybe some people just don’t want to ignore their feelings.
Finally, I just hoped this blog tonight helped somebody. Tonight was brutal, and I haven’t actually cried about my love life for a long time. I know that I can’t just wash away my feelings, but I need to stop being such a cry baby about it and accept it. Everything else in life is point upwards, and in time, the right person will come along and I will look back on this and be thankful for it all.
Because if I can get through what I am currently going through. I can get through anything.