PERSONAL: Physically weak but emotionally strong

I was in a shop the other day and there was this group of children who walked past. They stopped and stared, not knowing that they were blocking my path. Their mum noticed and quickly moved them on. She smiled at me and lean’t down to talk to the children as I drove past.

“You see that man in that wheelchair, he is an angel of god”, she said.

I heard it as plain as day, kept on driving through the store, and never gave it another thought. It’s not my place to say that what she said was right, or wrong, I’ve always just been me and the disability is secondary to all that.

In all honesty, I don’t think about the disability too much, mainly because I don’t see the point. I was born this way due to genetics and that’s the reality of it.

I also try to make a point to just accept my position as a person with a disability. On days like this, that isn’t always easy.

The hardest thing to accept is how my body is changing and how quickly it feels like that’s happening right now.

I’ve realised that I need to make some changes, particularly to my diet, but that’s also tremendously challenging in its own right. I guess I am scared of changing in the process, because I’ve always been the type of person to just enjoy the moment and not really worry too much about the consequences. I want to be happy in my own skin, not constantly trying to challenge how I look or what I eat.

Every day it seems, I wake up and I can’t move the same way I used to. Simple things like holding a cup of tea are so much more challenging, and it’s so much easier to sleep than it is to stay awake. Those two things alone scare the hell out of me, and it frustrates me that all this is happening right in front of me.

It’s always in the back of my mind that time is of the essence. What I mean by that is; I don’t know how much longer I’ve got where I can truly be able to be the best me that I can be. You’ve got to understand that it is almost always passion and self-belief that gets you through even the worst of times. But having said that, there is no stopping the effects that this disability does and will continue to have on my body.

Right now, I feel tired. It scares me to say this, but I feel disabled.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the help I get each and every day from so many different people. Whether it be paid caregivers, friends, family, and even my partner Jess who simply goes above and beyond, they are all there for me. I trust them with my life and they’ll never know just how thankful I am.

But another part of me seriously resents how much help I do need. Does that make any sense?

The point of this blog was to just show you, my dearest readers, that I am not always as positive and as driven as it seems. Advocating for the rights of disabled people is my greatest passion, writing about sports and interviewing sports people is my second passion, but both of those take so much energy and so much time. Indeed, time is of the essence, and I don’t know any other way but forward.

So thank you, your support means so much, even on tough days like this.

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