January 15th 2014 will be a day that I will never forget.
Throughout my life there have been many moments that will be fondly remembered, but losing my virginity, in what I think was a good experience, ranks right up near the top of the list, and for so many reasons.
Before I had experienced intercourse, I was always a very sexual person I think. I say this without any evidence, but it didn’t take much to get my mind going down that path, guess I was easy to seduce. Isn’t every male a little easy to seduce? I was no different. Still aren’t.
The opportunities for physical experiences were nil, but in my mind I had been thinking about what sex would be like for years and years. At the age of 12 I began to get interested in sex for the first time, and I think like many kids at that age, my eyes were first opened to the whole thing when we had sex education classes at school. But back then I was more interested in the company of girls, I didn’t care less about sex because I didn’t even know the mechanics of it. Getting a girlfriend was a big goal of mine, but I didn’t really understand what a girlfriend would be, it was more a friendship based thing I suppose because at that young age you simply are not ready for a proper relationship, chances are you don’t know what a relationship really is.
My journey to sex began so long ago now that it feels like ancient history. It is a history I know every single detail of and could list every major milestone off the top of my head.
For anybody, going through the teenage years was brutally tough for me in the sexual sense. It was tough for many reasons, but a big one was the dawning of sexual curiosity, and the beginning of what felt like sexual abandonment. I don’t want to generalise modern society, because there are some good level headed teenagers out there, but in today’s world, sexual experiences are occurring at younger ages. By the time I was 17, I think nearly all my friends had experienced sex in some form. Throughout the teen years I spoke with a few different specialists and doctors about my sexual concerns, and most people were helpful, but as it had always been for me, there was always something a little taboo about sex in general, and that made my frustration all the more worse.
It was an elephant in the room at MDA too, but an issue that was effecting so many young people with these muscle conditions, but no one really wanted to address it. Sex is so taboo, mainly because it can be a very controversial and uncomfortable topic.
The frustration was deep rooted, for the most part I tried to rise above it, but as the disability slowly started to take more of a powerful effect on my body, the fear was beginning to creep in.
If the disability is making my body so restricted, then surely my sexual capabilities will be affected too. I don’t think, as a guy who was very sexually minded, I could explain to anybody reading this how scared I was. I was terrified that I would never experience. Utterly terrified. I couldn’t talk about it because if I did I would cry.
There were no clear answers, I didn’t know for sure if I would ever be able to achieve sexual gratification, it was just the way things were. Over time I began to wonder if it would ever happen. Deep down I knew it would, but I also knew that potentially, sex would be something that I would have to make happen for myself.
But how do you make something as amazing, important, needed, natural, complicated, impactful, and enjoyable as sex come to you before its ready to happen?
It felt like sex would happen for me when it was ready to, but my impatience and growing concern about my sexual capabilities for the present, and into the future, were also completely natural and expected as well. It was always going to be one of my greatest, and most natural challenges.
Like I am today, back then I was always a very passionate person. I kept myself busy, as you do, and the reality that I was a virgin and had never had a single sexual arousal or feeling was difficult to accept, but made easier to deal with by how happy I was in all the other areas of my life. I grew up in a terrific family, with two parents who were supportive, nurturing, understanding, and above all else they kept me on the path of positiveness. With a disability such as this, or any other, positive thought and proactive action is key to keeping the belief alive in the person dealing with the disability, which could easily take over your thinking if you let it. I don’t want to sound like I was always positive, because there were many times when I wasn’t, but for whatever reason why, every day was a new beginning.
I tried to never let the fear that I may not be able to have sex stop me from believing that one day I would.
The root of the frustration was the inner confliction I was having with myself. On the one hand, I wanted to have sex but I didn’t know why I wanted it so badly, maybe it was just because I could say I had done it, as if it was something that would make me feel a little more normal so to speak. But that only aided the inner confliction to grow, because I believed I was just as normal as anybody else and for my entire life that hadn’t changed, even with a disability which in many ways does make you different. The third confliction was that I didn’t want to perceived or thought of to be just another horny teenager, but I couldn’t help but think that I was. So I didn’t talk to anyone about it really, for years I kept my concerns primarily to myself.
Those few years as a teenager where you think you can deal with it all on your own, and honestly sex isn’t always something you should talk about with all in sundry anyway.
I knew for sure, one reason why I wanted to have sex, and it was to know wether I could or couldn’t. But the issue was, I was never going to know the answer until I did it.
* TMI WARNING.
My body was that restricted, that weak. I couldn’t even masturbate. I didn’t know if I could get an erection, I had never even orgasmed before.
So I had no idea whatsoever what I was going to get into, get out of, and if that would effect my life in a terrific way, or a terribly depressing way.
So to end part one of this series of blogs, probably my most personally revealing piece of writing ever, I have this advice.
Before you have sex for the first time, be prepared to live with the real possibility that you may not be able to. I mean not be able to, no sex, no performance, no nothing. That’s what I had to ask myself. Could I live without ever having those experiences. It would have been such a blow to my belief, in myself as a man, and it was so scary to think about, but think about it you have to. I don’t know why it was so important to me, maybe it was because many of my friends with the disability had died without ever experiencing, maybe it was all just a giant over thought on my part, maybe it was fear, I just felt as though I had a set timer ticking away and I needed to act, and act fast.
Fast forward, even days out from my first time doing anything sexual, in the hot awesome summer of 2013/2014, my journey was only just beginning, and I had absolutely no idea just how life changing it would be.