Even today, I don’t know why being able to perform sexually meant so much to me. All I knew was, if I couldn’t, I would be heartbroken but somehow would have to find a way of dealing with it. It was hard to not think negatively, but I just tried to hold onto hope that everything would work out.
I may be disabled, but I was damn sure that it wasn’t going to motivate me to shy away from this goal.
I was fortunate enough to have a few days notice before my first sexual experience occurred. It gave me time to think, and while thinking may sometimes not be the way you want to go into something like sex, it did me a world of good in the end.
As I said in the last blog, sex was something I had desired for so many reasons but all those reasons I couldn’t explain or justify to anyone, including myself.
The first reason was to experience sex. The second, to know if I could or not, and the third reason was the biggie, to achieve something that so many of my friends with either MD or SMA had passed away without ever attempting or knowing if they could or not. This was the hardest justification of them all, because a handful of them had almost given up on sex, or at least that is the vibe I got from them when they were still alive.
It was a myriad of reasons, reasons I couldn’t justify to anyone, including myself as well sometimes… most of the time… all the time.
I had the best part of a week’s notice before my first sexual encounter, so I had time to prepare my mind for the event. Much time that week was spent on my own, deep in thought, as I had been in the sexual sense since the journey began all those years ago. I never talked to anyone about my fears, and the week of losing my virginity, I kept the nerves as much to myself as I could.
The few people around me who knew of the pending event were well aware of just how nervous I was becoming.
It was a nervous excitement, a fear of the unknown, and a worry that after all this time and all this toil, including the decision to finally take a leap of faith and do it, sex may not be all I imagined it to be. I was worried that I would go through all these years of wonder, only to be disappointed.
“Ok, maybe I will be able to perform in the bedroom, maybe I will orgasm, but what if it just isn’t that good?”.
I can hear those words in my head like it was yesterday.
I think you could easily put sex up on a massive pedestal, thinking it will be something out of this world. I think everybody who hasn’t experienced is in danger of doing that, some will have realistic expectations while others will be a little more out there in what they think will happen when the clothes come off.
I was in both camps, and on reflection I think most of my thoughts about intercourse and how it would be and feel were fairly realistic.
I mean jeez, I had enough time to think about it that’s for sure!
My disability and how it works is restrictive. Physically, I probably have the ability of a baby. My arms are weak, I can’t move my legs, I can’t move my hips, I can’t even reach my private areas.
A lot of people who are in the know wonder why I don’t masturbate, the reason why is because I can’t. I have never masturbated, never had any pleasure from my own hands. I don’t have the arm power or the hand power. The man zone is just not a place where my hands go. They never went there.
Everything about sex was so unknown, and the week’s preparation was so vital in me coming to terms with all that. There were countless times when I wondered what I would actually be able to do in the bedroom. I questioned if I would be able to get her off and make her feel as amazing as she was going to make me, I wondered if it would hurt when it came to penetration, I was worried that I would not be able to get an erection, I was worried I would break my hips, I wasn’t sure if I would know if I was doing the job right. The list just went on and on and on, there were so many reasons to back out of the whole thing, to save the potentially damaging results to my mental state if things didn’t work, but so many reasons to bite the bullet and try as well.
I ended up having a coffee with the girl I lost my virginity too a few days out from the event.
It was so crucial for me to trust her, and also for her to know what my limitations were and would be once we got to the bedroom. We had a good few conversations about it all. She really was amazing at calming me down, and it was quite easy to trust her in the end. She was experienced, and while someone who had been around the block a few times wasn’t how I always imagined my first time girl would be, it benefited me ten fold. I needed a girl who knew what she was doing.
I was scared because I wondered if my reliance on her would scare her away, despite all her experience, I was worried that she would back out because she thought she’d hurt me, and I just wanted the whole thing to fly off without a hitch.
But in order for it to be a success I had to put myself in a position that could have easily taken the whole thing away. I am VERY, VERY proud of the courage I showed in that conversation with her in particular.
Casual sex, or picking up girl in a bar and bringing her back to my house wont ever be an option for me if sex was going to occur just randomly out of the blue, because there will always need to be some sort of discussion about how things have to work in order for sex to be a success for myself and the girl. Like most things with the disability, my sex life also requires pretty much total 100% reliance on somebody else. Getting ready before hand, during sex, and after sex too, it is all pretty much out of my control and I have to rely on the help of somebody else.
But through all the worry, it was such an exciting time too!
That was the longest, but in many ways most enjoyable week of my life. The days just dragged on and on and I couldn’t settle myself down. If anything I was getting more excited and I wanted to forget my worry and just soak up the whole experience. Whilst asking myself if I could move on and live my life if I couldn’t perform sexually, I also tried to ask myself what I would do with my life if I could have awesomely amazing sex. I didn’t come up with any answers to both those questions, but I just knew that either way, I wouldn’t regret what I was about to do.
The other lingering factor in the back of my head was if this whole thing was “right” or not.
I guess I am a little old school, but sex should be a good thing and it should be with the right girl. Plus, virginity is special, and it shouldn’t be taken too easily. Just keep that in mind. I don’t have any regrets, but lets just say I worried that I would have had massive regrets if it didn’t turn out like I hoped.
Two things to keep in mind.
Be prepared to accept that you may not be able to have full on sex, but also be confident or positive enough to believe that you will.
And so… D Day arrived.
The sun came out bright and early on Wednesday January 15th 2014, and I knew that no matter the outcome, this day would be remembered for the rest of my life. I remember the first thing I did that morning. I got up, had breakfast, and went outside listening to music on my iPod. Nothing was done differently than any other day.
As the morning wore on, and the time till my first sexual experience drew closer and closer, I was feeling more and more excited. I took a shower, and that’s when it hit me.
Out of nowhere, an amazing sense of worry threw itself over me. It was one of the most exciting, but terrifying feelings I have ever had. I don’t know why, I think I was just scared that sex, something I so yearned for to settle a question I had been having with myself for years, just wouldn’t be something I could do. My disability, like it has for all of us, had taken so much of my physical capabilities away from me, I didn’t want my dream of sex to be taken away too, because I knew what it would do to me if it did.
It was all so important to me.
But I had to go through with it, worry be damned, self belief and hope shone on through and before I knew it, the time had come and it was about to get a whole lot more real very, very quickly.
You cannot describe that level of adrenaline, my heart was beating quicker than it ever had before, and my panic buttons were being pushed in every direction possible. All the pep talks and advice were ringing loud and clear in my head, and all the ways I had imagined sex would be were racing through my mind like a silent movie, a montage of pictures, what felt like a lifetime of questions and second guessing about to be answered.
Before I knew it, I was having sex. I was no longer a virgin, and everything had worked out well.