My Journey To Sex: Part 1

January 15th 2014 will be a day that I will never forget.

Throughout my life there have been many moments that will be fondly remembered, but losing my virginity, in what I think was a good experience, ranks right up near the top of the list, and for so many reasons.

Before I had experienced intercourse, I was always a very sexual person I think. I say this without any evidence, but it didn’t take much to get my mind going down that path, guess I was easy to seduce. Isn’t every male a little easy to seduce? I was no different. Still aren’t.

handicapped-sex-brothel-wheelchair

The opportunities for physical experiences were nil, but in my mind I had been thinking about what sex would be like for years and years. At the age of 12 I began to get interested in sex for the first time, and I think like many kids at that age, my eyes were first opened to the whole thing when we had sex education classes at school. But back then I was more interested in the company of girls, I didn’t care less about sex because I didn’t even know the mechanics of it. Getting a girlfriend was a big goal of mine, but I didn’t really understand what a girlfriend would be, it was more a friendship based thing I suppose because at that young age you simply are not ready for a proper relationship, chances are you don’t know what a relationship really is.

My journey to sex began so long ago now that it feels like ancient history. It is a history I know every single detail of and could list every major milestone off the top of my head.

For anybody, going through the teenage years was brutally tough for me in the sexual sense. It was tough for many reasons, but a big one was the dawning of sexual curiosity, and the beginning of what felt like sexual abandonment. I don’t want to generalise modern society, because there are some good level headed teenagers out there, but in today’s world, sexual experiences are occurring at younger ages. By the time I was 17, I think nearly all my friends had experienced sex in some form. Throughout the teen years I spoke with a few different specialists and doctors about my sexual concerns, and most people were helpful, but as it had always been for me, there was always something a little taboo about sex in general, and that made my frustration all the more worse.

It was an elephant in the room at MDA too, but an issue that was effecting so many young people with these muscle conditions, but no one really wanted to address it. Sex is so taboo, mainly because it can be a very controversial and uncomfortable topic.

The frustration was deep rooted, for the most part I tried to rise above it, but as the disability slowly started to take more of a powerful effect on my body, the fear was beginning to creep in.

If the disability is making my body so restricted, then surely my sexual capabilities will be affected too. I don’t think, as a guy who was very sexually minded, I could explain to anybody reading this how scared I was. I was terrified that I would never experience. Utterly terrified. I couldn’t talk about it because if I did I would cry.

There were no clear answers, I didn’t know for sure if I would ever be able to achieve sexual gratification, it was just the way things were. Over time I began to wonder if it would ever happen. Deep down I knew it would, but I also knew that potentially, sex would be something that I would have to make happen for myself.

But how do you make something as amazing, important, needed, natural, complicated, impactful, and enjoyable as sex come to you before its ready to happen?

It felt like sex would happen for me when it was ready to, but my impatience and growing concern about my sexual capabilities for the present, and into the future, were also completely natural and expected as well. It was always going to be one of my greatest, and most natural challenges.

Like I am today, back then I was always a very passionate person. I kept myself busy, as you do, and the reality that I was a virgin and had never had a single sexual arousal or feeling was difficult to accept, but made easier to deal with by how happy I was in all the other areas of my life. I grew up in a terrific family, with two parents who were supportive, nurturing, understanding, and above all else they kept me on the path of positiveness. With a disability such as this, or any other, positive thought and proactive action is key to keeping the belief alive in the person dealing with the disability, which could easily take over your thinking if you let it. I don’t want to sound like I was always positive, because there were many times when I wasn’t, but for whatever reason why, every day was a new beginning.

I tried to never let the fear that I may not be able to have sex stop me from believing that one day I would.

The root of the frustration was the inner confliction I was having with myself. On the one hand, I wanted to have sex but I didn’t know why I wanted it so badly, maybe it was just because I could say I had done it, as if it was something that would make me feel a little more normal so to speak. But that only aided the inner confliction to grow, because I believed I was just as normal as anybody else and for my entire life that hadn’t changed, even with a disability which in many ways does make you different. The third confliction was that I didn’t want to perceived or thought of to be just another horny teenager, but I couldn’t help but think that I was. So I didn’t talk to anyone about it really, for years I kept my concerns primarily to myself.

Those few years as a teenager where you think you can deal with it all on your own, and honestly sex isn’t always something you should talk about with all in sundry anyway.

I knew for sure, one reason why I wanted to have sex, and it was to know wether I could or couldn’t. But the issue was, I was never going to know the answer until I did it.

* TMI WARNING.

My body was that restricted, that weak. I couldn’t even masturbate. I didn’t know if I could get an erection, I had never even orgasmed before.

So I had no idea whatsoever what I was going to get into, get out of, and if that would effect my life in a terrific way, or a terribly depressing way.

So to end part one of this series of blogs, probably my most personally revealing piece of writing ever, I have this advice.

Before you have sex for the first time, be prepared to live with the real possibility that you may not be able to. I mean not be able to, no sex, no performance, no nothing. That’s what I had to ask myself. Could I live without ever having those experiences. It would have been such a blow to my belief, in myself as a man, and it was so scary to think about, but think about it you have to. I don’t know why it was so important to me, maybe it was because many of my friends with the disability had died without ever experiencing, maybe it was all just a giant over thought on my part, maybe it was fear, I just felt as though I had a set timer ticking away and I needed to act, and act fast.

Fast forward, even days out from my first time doing anything sexual, in the hot awesome summer of 2013/2014, my journey was only just beginning, and I had absolutely no idea just how life changing it would be.

Regards,

Mike

Wintec vs Waikato: Preparing Myself For Study

I am fully prepared to admit that I am not smartest guy on the planet, but so far the process of weighing up wether to go to Waikato University or Wintec has been a pretty enjoyable one, all be it hugely crucial in getting right which is still continuing to dominate much of the conversation as myself and “the team” try to decide what the best option is for me and more importantly my health in the long term.

studying-student-cartoon

So I just wanted to give you guys and update on where we are at.

The plan is to study Journalism. Obviously right.

I can either study what is called a Bachelor Of Media Arts majoring in Communication (at Wintec) or a Bachelor Of Arts majoring in Writing Studies (at University). There is also a little thought of doing Social Work at some point, but for now it is the Bachelor degree which I am aiming for.

With me so far? Cool beans.

Primarily, the two degrees are much the same, but right now it is Wintec which is pulling me in slightly more than University because from what I believe and have been told, University is more theory based where as Wintec is a little more practical. In easier terms, Wintec will be slightly more hands on sit down at the computer and work sort of style, where as with University there are lectures and the likes, then some computer or lab work afterwards.

That’s not to say Wintec doesn’t have lectures also, because there are a few of those there as well.

With both, there will be a lot of work and a lot of study both at campus and at home. I will be busy, busier than I have ever been.

Full time study vs Part time study is also a major factor in this whole decision during the talks we are having right now. In an ideal world I would like to study full time, but with a degree such as the one I am going to be doing, the schedule is very demanding, however Wintec’s timetable is a little easier to manage full time verses the one University has to offer.

Tegan made a great point the other day on Facebook and I really should have worded my status a little better.

Obviously my energy levels are not that of most other people my age, and that has to be taken into account with the decisions I will need to make over the next few weeks. University is closer to home than Wintec, but the “hands on” approach of Wintec suits me a little better than the more “sit in a lecture but also do some hands on” approach that University has offered me. Clearly I am not trying to make an excuse for myself because both Wintec and University have both said that I have the brain power, enthusiasm, and energy to fly through the 3-year degree and pass with terrific marks, both saying I have the talent and will to land a top job in Journalism in the near future post degree, but a full time schedule over the course of 3 years would have an effect on my health and disability long term, there is simply no denying that.

At Wintec, studying the Bachelor Of Media Arts (Communication) a full time schedule looks like this:

Monday: 8am – 12pm 

Tuesday: 8.30am – 12pm 

Wednesday: 9am – 1pm 

Thursday: DAY OFF

Friday: 12pm – 5pm

University were not so clear in their timetable and didn’t offer concrete set times for me, where as Wintec did and also offered alternatives to the schedule long term for myself depending on the fluctuations of my health, which will undoubtably have their own ups and downs.

University offers much of what Wintec does, in my mind the degrees are a little better there, as are the social opportunities, but it is just a bit of a worry with the number of lectures because if I wake up and feel really sick one morning, which honestly happens a lot, and I have a lecture to go to, the fatigue and sickness, tire of muscles, and pain in the limbs I suffer will make it difficult to be 100% attentive throughout what would be a crucial lecture. Even with the support of a PA. Where as at Wintec, I may have more chance of working through that lack of comfort if I am at the computer working that way, which by the sounds of it at this stage Wintec offers more of than Uni does.

It is all such a mind field. But an exciting one.

Sure, doing 4 hours in the morning three days a week and 5 hours in the afternoon on a Friday is more than doable, that is what the full time schedule will look like for me if I go to Wintec, but that is not counting homework and other things.

I think I could manage the full time schedule, but for three years on the trot?

I mean, I don’t know where I am going to be healthwise in six months let alone three years, but I don’t want to let that hold me back either because if I get sick, I get sick. If I die at 25 because my health fails quickly while still working on my degree, then so be it. At least I had a go at it. That really is the mindset now, I am disabled but I don’t think I am really, so I try not to let it effect the will to try and achieve my goals, while at the same time remaining practical in how I live my life day to day. That is really how I feel, I don’t want to let my disability effect my dreams, and I certainly don’t want to go down the path of studying part time without trying full time first, just because I am worried my health my drop earlier rather than later.

I guess I am reserved to the fact that sometime in the next 10 years my health will take a serious hit. That was a big reason why I moved here in the first place, I want to experience while I can, and that includes studying.

Basically, if I study full time and hopefully do well, I will be extremely busy most of the time, but I can have the degree in 3 years. If I study part time it will be easier on my body, my health, and the fatigue, but it will take 6 years.

To have had both the University and Wintec tell me that I have the smarts to do very well in a degree as high as this is a wonderful boost for my confidence, but at this stage I am leaning towards Wintec over University, which is certainly a surprise because University was really the goal when I knew I was moving to Hamilton, so in many respects it has done a bit of a 180.

In terms of on site support, I am golden. I will have a full time PA (personal assistant) with me throughout my studies, at all times on campus to do everything from help me with note taking, to opening doors or getting me a coffee.

It’s actually looking like a pretty sweet deal. I am very lucky.

So the workload may be big, especially if I go full time over part time. I really am pushing for the full time schedule, but I will have to sit down with Mum in particular and see what she thinks. I will certainly do what she feels is the right way to go for my health, because she is the expert on what I am capable of, I have a bit of a habbit of overworking my body at times with my enthusiasm and drive for life.

At the end of the day, my health is important and I don’t want to burn out in six months. I can start at full time and then cut back to part time if the schedule is taking a toll on my general health, but I really don’t want to set the bar low from the outset.

More to come on this.

Regards,

Mike